~ Unbecoming ~
These past few years of my life have been just as much "unbecoming" as discovering.
The following quote from Rachel Naomi Remen really struck me.
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you--all of the expectations, all of the beliefs--and becoming who you are."
I have let go of so much that isn't truly me, looking back is almost surprising. The woman I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, and even a year ago is no longer familiar.
As I move closer to my core, the change almost becomes more profound. In this past year alone, I've stopped:
- Entertaining men, friends, and people and situations in general that are in no way good for me
- Passing off sex as simply having fun and seeking pleasure, because it's so much more
- Smoking weed
And now I'm working on stopping eating wheat.
As much as that last point sounds trivial compared to the rest, quitting wheat has got to be the hardest. Like fuck you guys. It's just so damn good, but my body hates it so much.
But I've done a lot of other hard things. And the deeper I get in tune with my body and my needs, the less I'm able to ignore it when something isn't in alignment.
Some days, I honestly question all of it. Not for long, but I do.
There can be a longing for the past. My mind weaves the stories of fun and simple times. But I'm a strong witness to my mind's bullshit and it can't spin that yarn very long. I still allow the grief that comes from letting go of versions of myself that no longer align. And I feel the excitement for what's to come as I continue to shed all these layers that aren't me.
That questioning certainly doesn't stay for long. I truly wouldn't go back to any part of my past even if I could. I'm grateful for it; the lessons, the challenges, joy, sadness, pleasure, and pain. Every piece of it made me the woman that I am today.
But I'll stay grounded in the present while holding my vision for the future. The past only reminds me of how far I've come.
Just because you knew me then doesn't mean you know me now.