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Reflections Into the Depths of Shadow Work

I never knew that I needed to come back here.

In the days leading to returning, my stomach wrenched and my eyes welled.

The last time I left here, I left the arms of a violent alcoholic. I exited safely, told myself that it was okay, and I carried on.

It wasn't okay. None of it was okay. Not him. Not any of them.

My times here, my times elsewhere, the years, the beds, they were hollow and meaningless.

Full of empty promises.

Broken dreams.

Wounded hearts.

That last time I came here all those years ago, it was the year that it all changed. That I committed to ending the cycle. The pain.

I committed to healing, learning, and expanding. But I didn't realize how deeply it was all buried. How far the roots went back. Until I stood in my constellation and asked for it to be revealed.

The knowing field opened and my ancestors answered.

I had to return to face her. Reclaim her. Hold her and love her in that way that she needed all those years. All those times I sold her out, undermined her, pushed her away for another man's lifeless and loveless arms.

I wasn't there then. But I'm here now.

I had to return to face the lies that I had told myself to make it all okay. To rewrite the story. To alchemize and anchor into a new frequency.

Having never stepped off pavement here. Never going to the lake, touching the dirt, putting my hands into the water.

I honestly don't even know who that woman was, other than I know she was me. She is me. I embrace, integrate, and alchemize this shadow in her entirety.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

I am here now.

I am here always.

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