Perfectionism has stood in my way of succeeding more times than I probably realize.
It has stood in my way, hindered me, blocked me, caused me to fail.
Perfectionism causing failure. It's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?
All the dreams never acted upon. All the projects started and never finished. All the things I held myself back from.
All because if I couldn't do it right---if I couldn't do it at 110%---then why even bother doing it at all?
This belief system - value - condition - program - whatever you want to call it has worked to my detriment time and time again. It's an issue that I have faced and excavated many times and like so many of these deep, core issues, it still likes to slowly creep in and occasionally take space without notice.
Like the onion, the layers keep peeling back, taking me deeper and deeper, every time with awareness growing so that perfectionist b*tch can't creep too far in before I catch on to her and show her back to her seat.
It seems to me that I came into this world with the 'not good enough' wound and it has certainly followed me around for most of my life. Telling me stories that the only way I will be good enough is if I get it perfect.
That story is total bullshit. And I see just how powerful these conditions and programs can be when I know full and well that the story is bullshit and yet I uncover a self that is in its grip.
Like my aspiring author self.
I was born to write. I have a way with words. I have books to write and publish. I'm in a Hay House Author Program. And yet I stall and stutter. I struggle to put the pen to paper, or the fingers to the laptop keys.
Because what if I don't get it exactly right?
As I excavated yet more layers,digging through ancient wounds and the after effects of imposter syndrome, I recognized the polarities of getting an education in business and having a career in copywriting.
As much as it made me a better writer, it also took me away from writing.
It stifled my creativity. My flow. Writing for grammar and grades. Writing to avoid the red pen marks. Writing to avoid being torn apart by a relentless and unforgiving editor whose red pen was as hot as his heart was cold.
Those moments had more of an impact on me than I realized. Here I was years later pulling up these experiences to feed them to the fire. To remove their charge.
And here's the thing. When my work was changed to the point that it was no longer my work and I wondered why I was even being paid to write, and that editor would say, "Well, don't you want to be a better writer?", he actually did make me a better writer.
Not in the ways he intended. Not in the ways that I expected.
At the time, I felt that the life and soul was completely sucked out of my work. My wells of passion and creativity had run dry. My sacral chakra a barren desert. My inner wild woman so far gone that I couldn't even feel her.
The honest truth was that I had become a pretty shitty writer in the process.
And it was through this process that I was able to come back to myself. I was able to walk away from situations that were not serving me, I was able to examine and alchemize the stories that were hurting me, and I was able to remember that wild woman. Feel her passion and fire. And breathe her life back into my work.
Sometimes that means the perfectionist shadow comes lurking up behind me. But I'm wise to her now. I love and accept this shadow self, but I also do not allow her to sabotage the show.
Perfectionism worries about getting it right. The wild woman knows that we don't have to worry about such matrix-like things when we're so busy following our heart and building our dreams.
One of my mentors said that when I publish my first book, I'm going to wrap it up with a big bow and send it to the editor of my past with a little love note that says, "4 u, luv Danette."
Of course she wasn't serious, and of course I won't, but the thought brings a smile to my face that warms my heart and softens the sharp edges of that inner perfectionist.
I'm no longer afraid to get it wrong because I'm no longer afraid to take leaps of faith and learn from my experiences.
The only thing that I need to worry about getting right is faithing, leaping, and learning.