Hope & Hard Truths

I tend to be an idealist in life. It’s something that gives me a sense of hope, optimism, and purpose. It’s actually a deep root of what makes me, me.

Being an idealist doesn’t come without its challenges. Especially when ideals come in crashing and clashing with reality.

Enter this summer.

I’m a boy mom with an adventurous spirit. My boys and I have done really incredible things together, everything from hiking and mountain biking adventures to traveling solo in the Philippines for a month.

As my boys grew older and started coming into their teenage years, I had this ideal that things would get easier, and we would continue to go on so many more epic adventures together. I came into the summer with plans for camping, hiking, and biking trips. Feeling the emotion of how quickly my boys are becoming young men, knowing that the days will come where they will want to do their own thing. I intended to relish every single moment that we had together.

And what happened is that my ideals got burned to the ground. It was a hard summer, and the adventures that we did have were certainly not epic, at least by my ideal’s standards.

I watched my near-young men begin to pull away. I heard them tell me that they no longer enjoyed many of the adventures that they used to, and that they no longer want to do them. I experienced the misery of being out on a trail that they absolutely did not want to be on. It was not fun. And for me, it’s honestly been a little heartbreaking.

The reality that I was facing no longer matched my ideal. It was not what I expected; I didn’t see it coming and I wasn’t prepared for it. And it’s taken a lot for me to reconcile and make peace with it.

I’d observe the other families on the trails and in the campgrounds, seeing other kids their age having fun and enjoying themselves, and I’d find it hard not to question myself. Sinking into doubt and mother guilt, wondering where I went wrong. But in that, also observing something else. The kids out there with fake smiles. The kids out there that were unquestionably miserable on the inside and yet, sucked it up on the outside.

I had to remind myself of the boys I intend to raise. I always want them to be true to themselves, think for themselves, question authority, never just follow along, and never be afraid to speak up.

That’s exactly what they were doing. They are so much of what I raised them to be and right now, they are disagreeing with me. They are asserting their individuality. They are trying to figure out who they are in this crazy world as they come of age.

Let’s add in the combination of a boy in his mid-teens with a mom in her mid-40s. Talk about a hormonal Molotov cocktail. Actually. Some days, it’s brutal. Near unbearable. And it’s also just one more stage and flavour of life.

I often avoid saying, “This too shall pass,” because it certainly can have dismissive or avoidant qualities tied to it. But, it’s also true. It shall pass. There’s comfort in that knowing, while also being in the hardness of it all. Allowing the emotions and feelings to surface. Just simply being in it.

Because I too am finding a new way in all of this. There are all kinds of new pathways emerging here for all of us. I’m reminded just how uncertain life is and that all we can really do is surrender to the mystery and be here now.

I’m reminded to keep my ideals in my heart, but not to hold on to them too tightly. To set a boundary between my own ideals and expectations.

I’m also reminded that as one chapter closes, another one begins. And in my capacity as a spiritual being in a human body, I can choose to feel it all. The pain, longing, and nostalgia that comes with the ending, and the joy, excitement, and anticipation that comes with the beginning. I can choose to keep a sense of curiosity and wonder. I can choose to be in awe as I participate in the beautiful and mysterious unfolding of life. And I can choose to trust that it’s happening in the way that it’s supposed to.

Parenting, life, being human. It sure isn’t easy. But I believe that it’s worthwhile. Even during the times that it takes a while for us to be able to see it. Maybe especially during those times.

The picture that accompanies my writing was taken during our annual Kananaskis camping and hiking trip this summer. It’s always been something we look forward to, and we’ve made unforgettable memories out there. This year was different. We didn’t go on a single adventure I had planned or hoped. We came home early. It was probably the last time we will be out there as a family unit in quite some time.

I’ll cherish the memories, I’ll continue to adventure in my own way, I’ll look forward to discovering new paths forward as a family, and I’ll continue to encourage my boys to grow into the young men that they are meant to be. Even when it doesn’t align with my ideals.

Whether you’re a parent or not, whether you’re in a challenging stage of life or not, all we can do is enjoy where we’re at, even if we have to search really hard for the glimmers, while also keeping an eye on the horizon and continuing to move forward, one step at a time.

None of us have the answers; we’re all just out here winging it. That knowing certainly helps me take life a little less seriously. And sometimes, that’s all that we need.

Hugs, xo,

Danette