As we begin to prepare for the evening, Jacob comments about being in the room with two Amazon women. We laugh. He knows the power of the warriors he is standing with.
He lays out the options for me. When he gets to the Golden Teacher, he approaches it with apprehension, warning of its intensity and depth.
With the flooding of sacral and solar plexus energies and knowing what I came here to do, there is no question that the Golden Teacher is meant to meet me on this journey.
I'm ready to dive in. Deep.
I step into the sacred container the three of us have intentionally created. I strip down to my panties, acutely aware of the vulnerability of my nakedness, both literally and figuratively.
I settle into the table and Ang enters the room. She pours the oils and the soft, sweet, sensual scents of ylang ylang, orange, and vanilla fill the room. She puts her hands on my back and begins to connect to my energetic body with broad, strong sweeping and circular motions.
I immediately feel myself exit. I have left the room. This is peculiar. I'm resisting connecting. I've taken myself somewhere high into the purest of lights and I don't want to anchor back down into my body.
Ang continues to connect in, both of us feeling the struggle against my resistance.
Why did I exit so quickly? What is this resistance? Connecting usually happens so quickly.
"Where are you?" Ang asks.
"I don't know."
"My leash isn't long enough," she exclaims and we all begin to laugh.
She asks me where she needs to be. I need her on my mid-back, the back side of my heart chakra.
"I need you here. Take off this armor."
She feels the strength of the armor so tenaciously guarding my heart. The warrior, Kali, so faithfully protecting herself against hurt has built her armor so strong, she almost forgets how to take it off.
Ang starts to go in and my resistance builds. My warrior is pushing back. Her warrior rises and she pushes against me harder. I resist and push back.
We're head to head. Amazon woman to Amazon woman. Warrior to warrior. She is pushing into my armor with the tip of her elbow with all of her might. Tensions are running high. I can barely endure the pain.
I'm getting angry with myself. "Why can't you just let go?" I ask myself. Ang continues to push and I feel Jacob move to my feet. He holds on and becomes my anchor. There is no exiting now.
He tells me that receiving is a gift. Ang's voice is raised, "Just let go darling, you know I can do this all night. Just let go!"
Almost yelling back, "I can't let go. I need you to make it let go!" I'm telling Ang how the armor feels like steel. She's pushing up against steel walls and we're struggling to find the way through.
Jacob feels the warrior energy escalating in the room. He softly chimes in, "Heat it with compassion."
The word compassion barely finishes leaving his lips and I melt into a puddle and begin to weep. The armor releases and Ang sinks into my back. She begins pulling it away as I sob on the table and allow everything hiding behind that wall to rush forward.
As it releases, we move over to the left side, the goddess, and find that the energy is still sticking with the warrior on the right. And that's when I find her. An inner child about 4 years of age. She's scared.
Jacob tells me that she doesn't need to be kept in the cage any more. The weeping continues. We move her over into my heart space and surround her in a blanket of light. She's resistant. Distrustful. Fearful.
What does she need to hear?
She is loved.
She is safe.
And that's when it hits. Something in me cries out, "Love is not safe!"
There it is. We've hit the gold. It's time to rewrite that story. Ang takes me right back to the beginning. Love is safe, dear one.
This runs deep. I realize that I'm not just carrying myself, I'm carrying all of the women who came before me. Kali. Joan of Arc. The witches, the wild women, the medicine women. I carry their passion, their fire, their love, and their anger.
And it's the love that will keep me going. Inviting in the goddess, knowing that I don't have to keep my armor on at all times. Discerning when I am safe to soften, open, and let my heart be free.
Love is safe.
Ang asks if I need anything more. My right shoulder is tender. There's a metaphorical wound where the armor was broken.
As I tell her I'm ok now, Jacob reminds us that the space from where the thorn is plucked will need time to heal. At this moment, he takes over, washing my body with sound.
As he brings in healing and expansive frequencies, I fall into a deep theta state. I drift into the void, no longer aware of my physical surroundings or my own body. I surrender to the sound and let it cleanse, heal, and transform as it needs to.
I know I need quiet stillness on the table for a while. Ang and Jacob leave the room and I curl into the fetal position, holding myself in my vulnerability. Reminding myself of the power in my softness. In my goddess state.
I can't be the warrior all the time. I don't want to be the warrior all the time.
I step out of the room, ready to root down and begin the process of integrating all that has taken place. I feel the snake medicine as I have shed another layer of skin, allowing myself to step deeper into my authenticity. Reaching to the core of my heart and my wholeness. All that I am.
As I feel the shifting and transforming taking place, I know that life is about to get so much richer.
And I remind myself...
Love is safe.