Celebrate Your Wins

This life has been one hell of a journey with my body.

From as young as I can remember, probably eight years old, I began to hate this vessel that I was given. Growing up around many women who were constantly dieting and never satisfied with their appearance, and some men in my family and friend-family circle who outright told me I was fat, it didn't take long for me to feel that my body was never good enough.

Even into my teen years, when I was almost as skinny as a matchstick, I continued to believe that my body was letting me down and that I was fat. Coming into my 20s and 30s, I proceeded to abuse my body in all ways, never really tuning into what she needed emotionally, mentally, or physically. Why would I give something that was never good enough for me the attention that it needed?

In my mid-30s, after having two children, the abuse and neglect finally caught up to me. A health crisis forced me to change my perspective. Followed by a life crisis of my whole world falling apart, my perspective shifted even further.

The thing is, I never really stopped hating my body. As I began to give more care and attention to my emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, I simply stopped focusing on my body altogether. And even though my physical health actually improved in a roundabout way, I abandoned myself because deep down, I was still unhappy with the vessel that I was given.

I became a master of exiting. It was actually quite pleasant. Whether I was meditating or pounding back shots, I would exit my body without even realizing I was doing it. In hindsight, it was actually rare that I was even in my body most of the time.

Until the exact moment that spirit forced me in. Literally. I remember it like yesterday. It was during a conscious breathwork and healing gongs workshop. I settled in ready to take off on a fabulous cosmic journey and boom, I couldn't. I was not able to exit, no matter how hard I tried. I was losing it on the inside. I was in so much physical pain, I couldn't understand what was happening. And then the message came in so loud and clear. "You are going to learn how to be in your body."

That's when the real journey began. The path to embodiment. The path to not only accepting the vessel I was given, but the path to feeling good in it and loving it. Listening to it. Caring for it and nourishing it.

It was so fucking hard. Like unbelievably. But I did it. And I felt really successful with it. Until a couple of years into my 40s.

Now that I was so deeply attuned to my physical system, I could tell something big was happening. Something was changing, in a way that felt detrimental. I didn't understand it and felt like I had no control over it.

I knew it was hormonal. I knew it was the start of perimenopause. I turned to my family doctor and a gynecologist to only be brushed off. "Go read a menopause book." "Take birth control pills." "We don't test hormones." These were just some of the incredible bullshit phrases I heard.

I persisted on my path. I needed to find answers. I turned to the alternative health field and did find helpful nuggets, as my bank account could afford, but there were still some really large pieces to the puzzle that were missing. My body was begging for help and I was trying to find it.

In rolled 2024. It started on a high note. I was taking actions that were more physically healthy than ever in my life. I traveled to the Philippines and to Costa Rica and was feeling good. And then everything started to slide. Quickly. To my dismay.

Something was seriously wrong and I knew it. I was hitting rock bottom. I could see it coming and I had no idea how to avoid it. As this was happening, serendipity brought a nurse practitioner into my life who was able to help me. He took me seriously. I felt seen and heard and for the first time, like I was on the track to real answers.

We started working together right as I was leaving for Mexico, and my return from that trip was when it all hit bottom. I reached a stage of burnout I don't think I have ever felt in my entire life. Thank you fire for clearing the path.

I had to stop and get still. I had to drop the intense workouts. I had to cancel pieces of life that I had every intention of hanging on to. I had to attune to a level I had never reached before and so deeply nourish my body, part of me didn't believe that I would ever get through it.

But I was committed. And dedicated. I would stay with myself no matter what for however long it took. You can bet those ugly voices of the past came roaring in louder than ever. I faced the gripping shadows of not good enough, self-sabotage, and self-betrayal head on. I melted down. I freaked out. I was held by some of the most incredible women I've ever been graced with in my life. And I made it through.

Every single day, I had to make choices and take actions that restored my depleted hormones, that supported my thyroid, organs, and digestive system. I had to learn what felt like all new ways and rebuild a foundation that my body could actually stand and thrive on.

It's been one hell of a journey. To get here. Today. And I am nowhere near any kind of finish line, if that even exists.

But I stepped back into dedicated strength training again today. After months of having to tap out and dial back. It's still slow and steady. It's small steps, continuing to stay highly attuned and to listen to what my body needs.

But to feel myself back in this space, where I have the energy and the strength to get back into a routine, it moves me to tears.

I am truly grateful for this vessel I have been given. It's the only one I've got for this time around, and I'm certainly not done down here yet. So I'm going to love and care for it like nobody's business and keep learning and growing through this next stage of my life.

And celebrate these small moments. Because these small moments matter.

Celebrate all your wins folks. We all deserve each and every bit of it, every day that we're still standing here. Cheers to the wins.